The Garden Escape Route
by hidden armadillo
Summary: Wait. No, that can't be right. Teddy Lupin, cute? The same Teddy she used to have water fights with in the old orchard. This was not happening. Teddy was not cute. He wasn't. She took a big gulp of her fire whisky. Oh god. He's coming.
1. The One and Only Chapter

Disclaimer: Sadly enough, I don't own anything. But I think you know that already...  
A/N: This just so happens to be my first fanfic, so yes, I know it's kinda bad…

Victoire Weasley turned up the volume on her radio. Wincing at the loudness, she realised she would probably be completely deaf by the age of 30.  
However, that fate would be preferable to enduring the high-pitched squeals of her relatives, which after all was what she was trying to drown out with her radio.  
It wasn't working. Honestly, who could get that excited over such an ugly dress?  
No offence to her soon-to-be Aunt Penelope, but it looked like a paper maché mess of toilet paper and doilies.  
Oh no. Footsteps. Someone's coming.

"Victoire!" … BANG BANG …

"Victoire! Stop hiding in your room and come get dressed with the rest of us!"

Feigning a smile so sickly sweet that it could probably be served as dessert along with the wedding cake, Victoire opened the door and descended the stairs into a cloud of hairspray and a mass of overly enthusiastic females clothed in waves of blue lace.  
They looked as though they had all been infected with the same disease.  
Symptoms were evidently flushed cheeks, dangerous levels of hyperactivity, and an unusually high voice.  
Unfortunately for Victoire, it was contagious.  
So as she donned her own ridiculously frilly dress, she sighed – Merlin help me – and joined in.

--

Victoire managed to accomplish the most amazing feat of sleeping through most of the serious part of the wedding, after giving James strict orders to wake her when it got interesting.  
This was a mistake immediately regretted when she regained consciousness, as James' idea of a wake up call happened to be letting a stink bomb off under her nose.  
Not the most pleasant experience. Her cousins giggled hysterically as she coughed, spluttered and chased James around the dance floor, eager to exact her revenge.  
Unfortunately, it was not to be, as Grandma Weasley scooped her up in a big hug, with James doing a taunting victory dance to celebrate his escape.

"You look absolutely lovely tonight, Vicky dear," crooned Grandma.

"Why thankyou Grandma, you look beautiful too," she smiled innocently, while searching for the little mischief maker out of the corner of her eye.

But James obviously feared for his health if found near her, and was therefore making himself scarce in her immediate vicinity.

"Such a pleasant child. Oh, and Teddy's over at the bar, he was looking for you. He does scrub up quite well," she patted Vic's head and strode off to find more grandchildren.

Vic shrugged mentally, and glided over to the bar to find Teddy. However, the only people there were her Uncle Charlie, who thrust an enormous glass of fire whisky into her hands, and a bunch of giggling girls, who saw Vic and dragged her into their huddle.

"Isn't he just adorable?" whispered a brunette she didn't know. Possibly a friend of her cousin Rose Weasley.

"Mmm, and that suit on him is just divine," sighed another stranger dreamily.

"Oh my god, he's looking!"

"Who? Who's looking?" Vic questioned curiously.

"Teddy Lupin!" Rose explained impatiently, looking quite unimpressed.

Vic laughed. Teddy? They thought Teddy Lupin was cute? No way. That's just ludicrous. He wasn't cute at all.  
She finished off her drink, accepting another from Charlie who was being rather generous with the alcohol.

"Can you honestly tell me you don't think he's gorgeous? Look at him, Victoire, and tell me honestly," demanded the brunette.

Vic gave her an immensely sceptical look.

"Fine. But this is just stupid, he's practically related to me, and – oh my god you're right."

Wait. No, no that can't be right. Teddy Lupin, cute?

The same Teddy she used to have water fights with in the old orchard.

The same Teddy she used to beat up whenever he tied her plaits together.

The same Teddy she used to put make-up on when he fell asleep.

This was not happening. Teddy was not cute. He wasn't. She took a big gulp of her fire whisky. Oh god. He's coming.  
The girls started squealing again, holding on to each other's arms tightly in excitement.

"Hey Vicky, I've been looking for you," Teddy greeted her, running one hand through his adorable turquoise hair – no, stop thinking like that – as he approached.  
She downed the rest of her drink before replying.

"Hello, Teddy."

As she set her empty glass on the bar, she was immediately given another full one by Charlie, who was looking quite drunk by now, and seemed to be in the mood to share the love (and the alcohol).  
At this rate, she was going to be properly drunk within the hour.

The giggling girls were begging Teddy to dance, so Victoire, trying to ignore the sudden jumpiness of her stomach as he shot her a desperate 'save me' glance, decided she had better walk away to clear her head of its current Teddy-loving thoughts.  
However, she was too busy trying to convince herself that she didn't fancy Teddy to watch where she was going, and promptly tripped over Fred and James, who appeared to be lying on the floor in the middle of a cake-eating contest.

"Oh well," Victoire said to herself as she fell towards the floor, "I suppose I'll just fall then."

"Or I could catch you."

She opened her eyes, and found herself in the arms of Teddy Lupin. Typical. Oh Merlin– Teddy. Keep breathing.

"By the way, thanks for the drink," he smiled.

So that's why his shirt was wet.

"I think I spilled it on you," she said apologetically.

"I noticed," he replied, and letting go of her, grabbed a handful of wet shirt and licked it.

"Fire whisky?"

She nodded. "Oh look, your fan club is coming."

Teddy looked quite alarmed.

"Can we go hide now?" he whimpered.

"Oh you are such a sook. But ok, sounds fun," she conceded brightly, as he took her hand and pulled her out into the dark night. He ran through the gardens, with Victoire following obediently, until they could no longer hear the hysteria of his 'fan club'.

"Ok," Teddy declared, "I think we're safe now," and he collapsed on the grass under a tree. Victoire remained standing.

"And now you've completely ruined my night, I mean, I didn't even get to dance before you so rudely dragged me out here," but she was smiling.

"Well I'm sorry," and he jumped back up again.

Bowing, he extended a hand to Vic and asked, "May I have this dance?"

"Of course," she accepted, graciously taking the offered hand, and he spun her around expertly, singing quietly all the while in a very deep voice that didn't suit him at all.

"You sing like a drunk dragon," she laughed – laughed, not giggled – and proceeded to imitate him.

"All the girls…like my blue hair…come join my fan club…," she sang loudly.

Teddy laughed so hard at this that he collapsed on the ground, rolling in the autumn leaves.  
Vic sat down near him huffily.

"Well I thought I imitated you quite well," she stated, sounding quite put out.

Teddy, still laughing helplessly, managed to get out a reply.  
"Hey come on, I don't sound that bad."

Vic raised her eyebrows. Teddy sat up.  
"Wait. They like me because of my hair?" He sounded quite confused as to how this could possibly be true.

"Yup, mostly. Though they wouldn't if they could see you now…brown leaves, blue hair, doesn't look quite as attractive," and she reached over and began pulling the leaves out of his hair.

Then all the Teddy-loving thoughts came rushing back. She froze. He looked at her.  
Somehow, she knew he could tell what she was thinking.  
Then Victoire realised she was still touching his hair, and pulled away in embarrassment, but Teddy grasped her hand in his.  
Their eyes locked, and suddenly they were leaning in, so close that she could count each pale freckle on his nose, but then their lips touched, ever so gently, and all thoughts became so insignificant in comparison with this moment, that they simply vanished from her mind.  
The kiss deepened, and his arms were around her waist, her hands were twisted in that gorgeous, soft hair of his, and then – oh god someone's watching.  
They jumped up and apart, as if they'd just realised they were kissing an angry hippogriff, and turned to see –

"James! What are you doing here?"

James stood there, temporarily shocked into losing the ability to string together coherent sentences.

"Vic? And Teddy? Teddy and Victoire! Snogging!"

Teddy looked rather amused. Until his fan club showed up.

"Teddy! We found you! You've been gone for so long, I was getting…lonely," the brunette whispered in his ear, in what she evidently thought was a sweet voice.

And then she saw Victoire. The fan club gasped simultaneously.

"But what are you doing out here with her?"

James regained the ability to express himself logically, and decided that although this question was clearly not directed at him, he should be the one to answer.

"He was snogging Victoire! Weren't you, Teddy?"

This statement extracted another outraged gasp from the fan club. The brunette found it necessary to slap Vic angrily, then ran off screaming like a fire alarm. The other girls hastened to follow, several looking almost tearful.  
Vic paid absolutely no attention to them, choosing instead to glare at James, wondering if it would be possible to curse him without a wand.  
For the second time that night someone seemed to read her mind, and after shooting Teddy and Victoire the trademark Marauders smirk, James scampered after the dolorous girls.  
She mentally pared away the seconds, figuring they had approximately one minute and twenty-something seconds until every single one of her relatives knew exactly what she was doing out in the adumbral garden with one Teddy Lupin.  
He looked up at her, and she was amazed to see his expression was quite remarkably insouciant, considering their current situation. He started singing.

"All the girls…like my blue hair…come join my fan club…"

A/N: Tell me what you think? Please? =)


	2. The Chapter That Shouldn't Exist

A/N: Here's a little sequel to the Garden Escape Route. It starts immediately afterwards. Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed, you're all so sweet =). I hope you like this!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teddy took my hand and towed me along the dark paths back to the celebrations. Neither of us said a word until we stood in front of the door that was the gateway to our certain doom. Teddy put his hands on my shoulders and forced me to look at him.

"Victoire Weasley. Do you understand that by entering this door we shall be subjecting ourselves to mortal danger from all angles?"

I nodded weakly.

"This is our plan. We will storm through that door, blast aside any annoying child in our path, and dodge all talkative adults. We will then create a huge spectacle to distract anyone from listening to the evil spy James' little story. Is that clear?"

"Yes, sir!" I saluted, giggling.

"Do not let go of my hand."

We nodded to each other and bravely stepped into the bright lights and blaring music.

Immediately three red headed children cannonballed towards us. Clinging tightly to Teddy's hand I dodged one, but another jumped on my back. Teddy pulled him off me and tossed him gently onto the nearest sofa. The third child clung to his legs despite all his attempts to shake her off, so I tickled her mercilessly until she was forced to relinquish her hold.

Teddy smiled at me.

"We have overcome the first obstacle!" he declared triumphantly.

Halfway through our celebratory hi five and victory waltz we spotted Auntie Hermione. She was marching determinedly in our direction, obviously intent on a long discussion about 'the future'.

We hid behind a caterer carrying a large tiered chocolate cake, and scurried away from her in his shadow.

Suddenly, Maman appeared in front of us.

"Veek-toire? Teddy? Why are you walking like hunchbacks?" she demanded with her hands on her hips.

I blushed and tried to come up with a plausible excuse, but unfortunately the only one I could think of involved angry dwarves and a pile of light bulbs. Somehow I doubted she would fall for it…

Luckily, I was then hit by a stroke of brilliance which rendered the dwarf excuse unnecessary.

"We were…looking for something I dropped on the ground."

"What deed you drop?" she inquired suspiciously, and began squinting at us in the she always did right before she punished us.

Oh damn. I hadn't thought that far ahead…

"It was…um…" I struggled, knowing I was about to be banned from eating all forms of sugar and/or cheese for several weeks.

"My Head Boy badge," Teddy lied smoothly, "I was showing it to Vic, but she dropped it."

"Ah. Veek-toire, do be more careful!" and she swirled off in a flurry of pale silk and flowery perfume.

'Um, Teddy?" I whispered as we pretended to search for the badge in case anyone was still watching us.

"Yes?"

"What exactly is this big spectacle we are making?"

An evil grin spread across his face.

Obviously he did not understand the gravity of the situation. He was enjoying himself! And we had less than a minute until James would have been able to spread the news to everyone! (Unless James was planning on saving his announcement until the most opportune moment, which would be quite typical of him. Stupid attention seekers and their pranks…)

SLAP!

"Owww!" Teddy yelped indignantly, "What was that for?"

Now he's paying attention…

"The spectacle," I prompted.

"Right. Well. This is where we are going to split up. It's risky, I know, but very necessary. You are going to find James and steal the fireworks from his pockets. He told me he was going to set them off at midnight, but we are going to beat him to it… meet me next to the stage as soon as you have them!"

He winked at me confidently and raced off, so I scanned the room for any sign of James. While I searched, I tried to come up with a plan to get the fireworks. Sneakily stealing them was out of the question, as the last time I tried that I ended up covered in golden syrup with a broken nose and a spotted tongue.

It wasn't exactly an experience I'd like to repeat.

Taking them by force was also not a good idea, because I'm reasonably sure someone would notice if I randomly knocked my cousin out with a baseball bat and then raided his unconscious body.

I doubt that was the kind of distraction Teddy had in mind.

Although that would also stop James from telling any more people… no, Victoire, stick to the plan. Violence is not the answer.

The only feasible solution left was… bribery. Which meant I need something that James wants.

What does James Potter want…?

I looked over at my target, hoping for inspiration. He seemed to be in the process of dissolving large quantities of salt in unsuspecting people's drinks.

Of course, how obvious.

James loved to prank people.

I strolled casually up to him, feigning nonchalance.

"Bet you're here to ask me to keep something a secret," he grinned knowingly, "But don't waste your time sweetie, you won't convince me. I'm planning on setting off some fireworks right at midnight to get everyone's attention, then sharing the wonderful news. What do you think?"

He smiled deviously at me, and I struggled with a sudden urge to wrap his head up in spello-tape.

"Actually, I was here to propose... an exchange of sorts," I explained, pulling him into a conveniently placed dark corner.

He raised his eyebrows, clearly interested in what I could possibly have to offer.

"Remember that spell I used on Uncle Percy last Christmas?"

"The one that forced him to rhyme everything he said and sing it in opera?"

"That's the one. I'll teach it to you."

James' eyebrows shot even higher, disappearing into his hair, and his ever-present smirk stretched across his face in an uncanny replica of the famous Marauders smirk we'd all seen in photos.

"You honestly think that would be enough to persuade me to keep my mouth shut?" he laughed.

I rolled my eyes. Even _I _wasn't that daft.

"No. In exchange I just want your fireworks."

James considered this for a moment, and eventually decided that the spell was worth the set-back in his plan. After all, the mere loss of fireworks could never stop a Weasley.

"Fine. You teach me the spell on the train, and I'll give you my fireworks."

"Deal."

I happily snatched the fireworks away from him, incredibly proud that I had managed to accomplish my part in Teddy's mysterious plan.

I hurried over to the stage, where Teddy was waiting impatiently behind an enormous potted plant with none other than my drunken Uncle Charlie.

"Vic! Finally! Do you have the fireworks?"

I handed them over obediently.

Teddy's evil grin returned, and I wondered if there was some strange genetic malfunction in everyone I know that made them insanely creative evil masterminds.

"Alright, now I've convinced dear Charlie here to make a lovely speech. All you have to do is wait by radio over there and turn it on when Charlie finishes his speech. I've tuned it in to the right station already. When everything is…over… meet me outside in the courtyard. Okay?"

"Yes, Teddy. You really are a weird and wonderful person, you know?"

He smiled. "Yes. Now go! Our masterpiece is almost complete!"

I rolled my eyes at his antics and ran off once again to follow out his instructions.

Uncle Charlie cleared his throat, and the sound echoed around the room.

The eyes of every person in the room swivelled towards him.

"I'd just like to say a few words about my lovely brother Percy, who has been a very smart cookie for all his life. I think maybe it's because he is a choc chip cookie. I never thought he would find a lady who was just as smart as him, but he has. Now, my friends, they shall conquer the world and declare themselves the Lord and Lady Cookies of the Extensive Universe! We will all follow them wherever they go and marvel at their love and cookie-like appearance until they get sick of us following them and then we'll stay at home and learn to crochet. But for now, let's party!"

Charlie's speech was met with mixed stares of confusion, amusement and disapproval, but everyone was soon distracted by a loud noise coming from in front of the stage.

BANG!

One of the large layered chocolate cakes exploded as fireworks erupted from inside it, spraying the guests with crumbs and icing.

Several women who did not appreciate this addition to their outfits began shrieking just in time to join in the discordant cacophony of ghostly tunes that began blasting from the radio at the back of the room.

"What is that awful racket?"

"Turn it off!!!"

"I'm covered in cake!"

I smiled in amusement as the shouters were soon distracted by the surge of rainbow bubbles the size of large dogs that issued from the fountain in the centre of the room.

The bubbles floated around the room amidst ricocheting fireworks and the noisy confusion of cake covered guests who were attempting to block the shrill sounds of haunting violins and nails on a blackboard from penetrating their ears.

I slipped outside unnoticed to see Teddy Lupin standing victorious in the moonlit courtyard.

"I think Operation Distraction was a success." I announced, indicating the reigning chaos indoors.

He smiled, and I found myself wondering how in Merlin's name I had never noticed how amazingly gorgeous his smile was until tonight.

"I think you're right. In fact, I doubt anyone would notice if I kissed you again right now. They are all quite busy inside, after all…"

"Oh really?" I laughed.

"Yes," he nodded, stepping forward.

I leaned towards him and kissed his cheek lightly, and his breath tickled my ear as he began to sing quietly.

"All the girls… like my blue hair…"

I kissed him deeply on the lips, hoping this would make him stop. And it did, for quite some time. Unfortunately though, we eventually broke apart to breathe and his incessant singing began again.

"All the girls… like my blue hair… don't join my fan club… because I'm _taaaken_!!!"


End file.
